Skyrim: A Cosmic Fuckup
by Imagination 5
Summary: After destiny is warped by an unfortunate turn of events, a group of people are put on the run as The World Eater runs rampant, with the only one able to stop him dead.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue: Believe, believe, the Dragonborn...oops**

"What in the name of Shor were you thinking, Valya? A short Nord dressed in light armor watched as a Breton woman with pale skin and long blond hair dragged the skeever corpse over to the fire. Not that it needed to be kept warm. It had already been burned black in several places.

"Well, we have to eat something, right?" The pale skin and long blond hair hid a screechy voice that screamed entitlement and self worth. Not that he was in any hurry to tell her this; she was a mage in training, after all. "We haven't had anything in over a day! If we don't eat soon, what are we gonna do!"

"She has a point, Asthan." A female Khajit warmed her hands by the fire. Her tabby face was adorned with brown and black stripes, and she spoke in the thick Elsweyr accent typical of Khajits. At her words Valya smiled smugly. "However." The Khajit continued. "We would not serve this mess to a stray. We most certainly will not eat it."

Valya's smug face gave way to a petulant one once again, and she turned away, arms folded, a haughty hmph echoing across Whiterun's plains before she spoke again. "Well, Ma'Haida, what do you suggest we eat? And why is your name so damn hard to say?"

"Well if you find it hard, simply call Ma'Haida Haida then. And in answer to your first question, we wait for the one who can hunt without burning our quarry to a crisp, Valya. Your magic may be useful, but it will not capture us food. Khajit learn to hunt without damaging their food regardless of profession. Even a mage. Perhaps you would do well to remember that."

"Whatever." Valya rubbed her hands over the fire a little more and then left, climbing into the tent she shared with Haidan and zipping it up.

Asthan shook his head as he took her spot to warm his hands. "That woman will be the death of us."

Haida let out a chuckle, raising a hand to her mouth to cover it. "Valya may have the body of an adult, but her emotions are those of a kitten. Impulsive, reckless, and a little too aggressive when it comes to play. She was expelled from the College of Winterhold for a reason. Even if she will not tell us what that reason was, yes?"

Asthan sighed. "I suppose you're right. We all have histories of trouble. It's like some kind of gathering of secret keepers that can't open up to one another."

Not that he was any different. He had worked as a sellsword back in the day. He had always been a little too short and light in stature to wield the heavier weapons but he could wield the lighter swords well enough. And what he lacked in strength he had made up for in skill. It seemed like such a life could continue forever, but...

"It works well enough though, yes?" Haida's words interrupted his thoughts. "You take care of Ma'Haida, and Ma'Haida takes care of you. Such a relationship among friends is a wonderful thing to have in the cold, harsh lands of Skyrim."

Before she could speak any further, there was a thud, and a bag full of seven dead rabbits dropped between them. Haida's eyes widened as she clasped her hands together, an expression of delight filling her face. "Ah! You have outdone yourself this time, Irtal! Ma'Haida will begin skinning them at once! Asthan, may I request your aid?"

"Yeah, alright. Not like I have anything better to do." Ashtan took a rabbit and a knife Haida offered him, and began skinning it. "You wanna rest by the fire, Irtal? You've done enough."

The muscled Redguard who had brought them the food shrugged his broad shoulders and went over to sit on a patch of dry leaves next to the fire, staring into this distance with the bow he had likely used to bring down the rabbits still on his lap. In the distance, there was the occasional howl of wolves or cry of "Never should've come here!" but it was mostly quiet.

"And while we're on the subject of people," Asthan said as he began skinning a rabbit. "What about that damn high elf in the tent over there?" Asthan pointed to a tent at the corner of their camp. Unlike the other tents there, it was a creamy white color instead of camouflage green. Within it was an Altmer who had asked to join their group a few days ago. Well, less joined than forced herself in, really.

She did her part. Hunted, fished, gathered. But she hadn't displayed any combat proficiency yet. She could wield a bow, but she was clumsy with it. She could use a sword, but it seemed foreign to her. And destruction magic was completely beyond her.

"Calm, Asthan." Haida was skinning a rabbit herself, skilfully removing the fur and skin without damaging the tender flesh beneath that yielded a succulent taste when cooked on a spit or in a cooking pot. "We have all been through a phase in which we do not know our place. Sometimes Ma'Haida still does, and you know you and the others do as well." Finished skinning the rabbit, she began cleaning the filth from its body, to prevent disease. "Give her time. Khajit's life changes shock the Kahjit. It is the same for others, I believe."

"As long as she keeps doing her part." Asthan shrugged.

Just then, Irtal perked up. Ma'Haida and Asthan opened their mouths to ask what was wrong, but the Redguard raised a dark hand, silencing them. He quickly grabbed an arrow in a quiver he had left aside, and from the distance, after carefully following his focus and eyesight, Asthan saw an elk. A large one as well. Nice and fat. That thing would feed the entire camp for a couple of days, at least.

Irtal notched the bow, but the elk's attention had been grabbed by voices in the distance. "...recognized you as a person of great importance in the hold. A hero." Its eyes widened, and it looked like it was about to bolt. Irtal couldn't spend any more time aimig. He loosed the arrow, but it unfortunately flew over the elk at an arc, flying over the hill and causing it to gallop into the distance.

Irtal put his bow down again, and three sighs rang over the camp in unison. But then, from over the same hill, came the sound of a thunk, then a fleshy squelch. After that came a woman's shocked scream, which dragged out for several seconds. Everyone had frozen in their places at this point.

And then, the same voice shrieked. "Aghhhhh! The Thane of Whiterun's been killed!"

Turning around, Asthan noticed that Haida's face was pale. Or at least as pale as a Khajit's face would allow. After a moment, a wry, if shaky smile appeared on her face. "Ma'Haida is having flashbacks," she admitted with a nervous laugh.

Irtal and Asthan nodded in agreement, and three nervous laughs rang out as Asthan spoke in an especially vulgar tone.

"We are so fucked."


	2. A Housecarl's Bad Side

**Chapter One: A Housecarl's Bad Side.**

**vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv**

It didn't take long for the woman who had screamed to make her way over the hill and see the group sitting, looking tense. Dressed in light armor, with dark brown hair extending to her shoulders, and with a bow on her back and a sword sheathed at her waist, she looked like she meant business. And upon sighting the group, her face contorted into an expression of absolute fury.

"It was you, wasn't it!" She took three steps forward and drew her bow, though didn't string it yet. "You killed him, didn't you!?"

"U-um, now hold on for just a second here." Asthan's worry probably showed in both his expression and his shaky tone, but he tried to defuse the situation nonetheless. He never had been especially good at casual conversation, but still. "Let's talk about this. There's no need to get violent. Surely a...a beautiful woman like you is beyond such things."

The woman's eyes darkened further, narrowing to slit like proportions. "I'm a Nord. Are you saying that I'm beyond fighting? I think you're insulting me. So not only did you kill my Thane, but you're undermining my Nord heritage. You're...you're really going for gold here, aren't you?"

The woman seemed to be growing more agitated by the second, and this didn't go unnoticed by Haida, who tried to calm the woman down herself. "Now now," she said. "This is all a terrible misunderstanding. Sit down, and Ma'Haida will give you some food to forget your troubles. I think this is an occasion that warrants breaking out some Elsweyr spices..."

"Why, so you can shoot me in the back when I relax!? I don't think so, murderer! And what exactly do you mean by Elsweyr spices!? Are you in possession of Moon Sugar!? I'm under the authority to arrest any criminals in this hold!"

Haida bristled at this accusation, and looked ready to say something, but her anger had taken her over. She looked like she was about ready to spit in fury, but before she could retaliate, the sound of a sharp unzipping noise came from behind, and Valya's pale, blond head emerged from the tent, green eyes scouting around for someone to vent at. Asthan tried to deter her with his eyes, but she didn't pay attention, and upon spying the only stranger in the camp, started screeching at top volume. "Hey, lady! There are people trying to sleep here! Why don't you either shut up or go to Oblivion!? Your screaming is giving me a headache! If I hear another peep from you I'm putting an ice spike through your voicebox! Got it!?"

Asthan could feel the color drain from his face as she continued her tirade, which he blocked out as he muttered to himself. "Stendarr have mercy, Stendarr have mercy, Stendarr have mercy..." over and over again. He wasn't a religious man, but as he ran a steel gloved hand through sweating, short and wavy black hair, he found himself suddenly hoping for divine assistance.

That seemed to be what finally broke the woman. She at last strung the bow she had been holding progressively tighter ever since this confrontation, evidently engineered by some sadistic Aedra or Daedra for their own amusement. "That's it!" Her voice had become suddenly assertive and less panicky. "By the power given to me by Jarl Balgruuf of Whiterun, I'm taking all of you in for murder and threatening a housecarl...though I'm not a housecarl anymore, am I?" At this last, hesitant addition, her voice cracked a little, though her grip held steady.

"Listen lady! I don't know what you're thinking, but we aren't murderers! Now turn around and go back the way you came! I'm sick of the sound of your voice!" Valya waved her right hand in a small circle, conjuring a singularity that threw off similarly colored sparks, the electric blue center resting just above her palm.

_What a hypocrite..._ Asthan couldn't help but think to himself.

Haida jumped to her feet and looked at the other three gathered around the fire. "Do what Khajit do best, and run!" she yelled, before bolting herself at a not unremarkable pace, zipping across the plains of Whiterun hold like her tail was on fire.

"Sounds like a good plan." Before Asthan could get over his shock that Irtal had spoken a whole five words in one setting, he too had started sprinting across the plains himself, his long legs affording him easy, loping strides.

"Well don't just sit there, Valya!" barked Asthan. "Get moving!" Waiting for the Breton mage to scramble ungracefully out of the tent, starting her run on her hands and knees in an inelegant dash that would have been funny in other circumstances, he began running alongside her. He was short and she was out of shape, so they ended up maintaining much the same pace.

But the woman was in hot pursuit, and she seemed to be slowly losing control of her emotions. "They were going to give me a bigger room, fit for a Housecarl! Everything was looking up until you shot him! They were talking about him being Dragonborn! I was going to climb the 7000 steps with him! Now I'll be a laughing stock in Whiterun! Throughout the Nine Holds! Now he's going to go down in history as the shortest lived Thane in Tamriel, and I'm going to have been the Housecarl who failed him! Are you even listening to me!?"

They were running up a steep hill now. Haida and Irtal had taken a different route, but with the woman so close behind them, they couldn't risk turning and losing momentum. The climb was difficult, but the woman seemed to be having as much trouble as they were with her heavy armor. As they neared the summit, an arrow shot past them, the sound of parting air audible as it barely missed Valya and hit the rocky hill uselessly, the shaft splintering and the remains bouncing down the hill.

"That almost hit me, you psychopath!" shrieked Valya. "Are you trying to kill me!?"

"Of course she is!" snapped Asthan, at the same time as the woman yelled "Of course I am!"

A thought struck Asthan as they started running through a copse of trees. "Hey, what about that high elf?"

Valya's pace slowed as she glared at Asthan. If looks could kill, that one certainly would have. "What about her, you puffed up, ignorant Nord!? She's way back at camp! Everyone else is getting chased by this crazy woman! She's probably safer than any of u-agh!"

Halfway through her last word an arrow struck her in the arm, digging in deep. Blood flowed from the wound, a little above her elbow on the fattiest part of the arm, and she staggered, her face losing even more color for a second as she instinctively reached to pull the arrow out.

"Don't, you idiot!" shouted Asthan, stopping her in her tracks as she turned to look at him. "You'll snap the shaft and leave the head stuck in your arm. That'll make it more difficult to get out later. Leave it for now!"

_Leave it!? _ Asthan could see her mouth silently, but she didn't object and kept running through the thinning cluster of trees, albeit at a slightly slower pace. After a few moments they arrived at the edge of the copse. Unfortunately a sheer cliff face awaited them. The drop was around fifty feet and the only way out without a death jump was back, which involved going through the woman.

"I don't see why we didn't just gang up on her..." Valya's face was growing progressively paler, yet she looked more irritated than scared by her injuries.

"Because we don't need to commit anymore crimes," replied Asthan, looking at the rushing river below the cliff as the woman emerged from the copse and raised her bow once again, pointing an arrow as Asthan and Valya.

"Alright, show's over. Now are you going to surrender or-"

A roar could be heard as a thick mass of fur and muscle exploded from the cluster of trees they had come from, bowling the woman over with a terrified shriek as she was taken off the side of the cliff by the figure. Screaming all the way down, a cracking noise could be heard as she bounced off a rock and fell into the river. The saber cat who had dived her off the cliff ran into the river after her, the current already carrying the woman's body away.

Valya sighed and staggered, barely keeping her balance as both the saber cat and the woman's body were swept out of sight. "Can we go back to camp now...before I bleed to death?"

Asthan had to admire her ability to simply ignore the fact that she had just seen another person die in front of her. It was either that or be unnerved by it, and he'd had enough of being scared for one day. "Yeah, alright." He said nothing more as he offered Valya his shoulder, which she rejected in favor of staying on her own feet. They would be back at camp in ten minutes or so. They had all been through enough for one day.


End file.
